10/21/22
I think all these feelings are the same:
Towards the end of the work day, I felt my legs getting antsy. I haven't been for a run since last year, so I went for a run.
There was a jazz jam at a bar near my place the other day. I went a little late, arriving in the middle of the set. After the next song, they called up a new drummer, and then later another, then another, and another.
They brought up other musicians too, but I was mostly focused on the percussion, except for one singer. She was a decent vocalist, but obviously a beginner at performing. Her voice was trembling slightly, not like a controlled vibrato, but with a timbre implying she was at least a little scared. I wanted it to be me.
Walking home from the run, there was something wriggling on the ground up ahead. I kept my eyes on it as I got closer. It was a butterfly with torn wings. I don’t know if butterflies feel pain in the same way that humans do, but if so, this one must have been in agony. Its body contorted in an effort to get up, but the wings were too damaged. They didn’t open. They just laid off to the side while the poor insect struggled.
I squatted over the butterfly for a moment. What remained of the wing was a beautiful pattern with large streaks of oranges punctuated by black dots, white highlights, and splotches of yellow. I felt sorry that it was stuck in the dirt, and that there was nothing I could do to save it. It would die there from dehydration, or starvation, or from being eaten by an opportunistic predator.
Rising up to keep on walking, I stamped my shoe on it before walking away. A quick death.
Blink-182's recent reunion announcement was on my mind. I put on their self titled album as my first step in preparation. It's my favorite blink album. I was washing dishes when "Go" came on. In that song's bridge, the accompaniment cuts out and Mark shouts a vocal solo.
I don't wanna know
I don't wanna know
I don't wanna know
I don't wanna know
I've heard it many times before and just like many of those times, I stopped what I was doing and belted out with him.
A few blocks further up the street, a grass alley caught my eye. A house on one side of it had long strips of wood for siding that extended well beyond the back wall of the house to hide a patio that was otherwise accessible from the alley. It was kind of architecturally interesting and weird so I went down the alley for a little bit to check it out. The house also had plants lining it as another delineation between the property and the alley.
I hadn’t seen them from the street, but as I got a little closer it became clear that the flowers on these plants were teeming with butterflies of the same species I had seen before. I stayed a few feet away for fear of scaring them off, squatted down, and just watched for a little while. They flapped their wings and flitted from flower to flower, dancing around the stems and leaves in their way.
After her song, the singer sat back down in a chair just in front of mine, directly in my line of sight of the stage. Her companions left, but she stayed behind. She swung her head around, looking for something. I am easily distracted by movement. We made eye contact, or at least I think we did.
My heart leapt into my throat and I quickly averted my eyes. Adrenaline shot through my blood and my heart rate spiked. I took a sip of my drink and felt the cup shaking on my lips slightly. I couldn’t make it stop.
She got up and walked past me to order at the bar. I finished my drink and left.
